Who died and made you king of anything?;

Time of truth. I'm an insecure person. As much as i love denying it trying to lie to myself that I'm not, it's the truth. At the end of the day, I know I am. I know the reason why. So here goes me, telling you another long story.

It started at the beginning of the year, when me and my best friend started fighting. Well, she stopped talking to me and until now, I have no idea why. I tried approaching her about it, saying sorry by sending her a message on facebook and never got a reply back. From that moment on, I felt so upset. It affected the rest of my year. Of course, I thought I was the problem or else, why would she be mad at me and the fact that I didn't know why she was made it 10x worse. Reason is that I didn't know what to fix about myself. So my insecurity began when I thought I was a bad person. See now, that was the first mistake I made on this issue. I never should have thought that way. That thought made me pull away from people, thinking everyone hated me when it was really nothing but ME being PARANOID. After that, it took a toll on my confidence level where I thought of myself as ugly. I kept thinking that whatever I do with my life and myself, everyone would still hate me. Oh dear God, thinking about it now, I didn't deserve to think of myself that way. No one deserves it. I felt so stressed up and honestly, I was depressed. I made myself depress. Feeling upset for no reason, thinking that if everyone didn't like me, I had no reason to live. Of course, I stopped my own actions of hurting myself. Every time I thought of cutting myself or whatsoever, I thought of my parents and how disappointed they would be if they found out I let someone push me down, kicking dirt in my eye.

So I told myself to not care about what people say about me but I didn't have the strength to not care. Really. I was stuck at that phase. Every word hit me like a bad car accident and I got even more insecure as the months rolled by. I hated my now ex best friend even more as the days passed. I hated for what she has done to me and how the fight has changed the way i thought of myself. How she made me hate my own personality, my looks and quirks and whatever it is about me.

Then, I started getting busy with my musical and really didn't have time to think about it. I started hanging out with matured people and I did talk about my problems and I got so much comforting advice and words of wisdom. Of course, as i said, i didn't really have the strength to not care. So every single day of my life this year, I carried that burden on my chest, that's thrusting my shoulders down. I still felt bad about myself.

SO NOW THE TOPIC'S ON AND ABOUT! I JUST HAVE ONE THING TO SAY.

(sorry for the bad word but..)

I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE

I want to be happy. I want to love myself and I want to love life. I want to enjoy whatever I do. I want to be able to walk around school with a sincere smile on my face that radiates " I LOVE MYSELF" brightly. From today on, I'm going to smile. I don't want to hate anyone and I definitely don't want to hate myself anymore. I don't want to cry because I feel ugly, I don't want to cry because I feel everyone hates me and I don't want to cry because I think I'm a bad person. I'm not! I know I am not. If I was then how come, I pray for everyone's happiness everyday before I sleep. If I was then how come even before I get my pay, I know how much I'm going to donate. If I was then why is it that people come to me when they're upset for a hug. It's because I'm not a bad person. I just need to be positive. I'm going to love myself so much that it makes people feel I love them as well. I'm going to spread love and I will never let anyone else feel the way I felt. I'm going to laugh as much as I did last year and hopefully more and I'm going to appreciate every single thing I have that has made me who I am today. I will walk in confidence like as if I'm a pro in high heels. I'm beautiful in every single way. Inside and Out. I love my craziness and I love my hyper-ness. I love my face, my body, my honesty, my straight forwardness. I need to forgive myself for what I have done. I don't hate my ex best friend anymore. There's no point because hating her was the reason why I was insecure. Instead, I pray for her happiness and I wish her the best in life. I pray she gets whatever she works hard for and I pray for her to be loved like how I pray on being loved.